Firelight #Poetry

Your verse dances like a melody played by firelight 

and warms my hearth inside,

Brilliant like the million bits of stardust in your eyes.

after a decade of endless dreams tonight.

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How Shallow? #Autism #Friendships

One thing people have consistently said about my writing here has been that I am pretty raw. I don’t see much value in shallow interactions. My appreciation for emotional depth is a big part of how friendships work with me. Shallow folks are kind of like shiny elusive fish at times. We are drawn to how unattainable they seem to be at times. But the moment the fish stops swimming, we notice that maybe our perception of their shiny scales was really all wrong. Perhaps it was really just the sun shining off their backs as they swam in the shallow water. 

People have to swim very deeply to fully appreciate me and what I can offer. I won’t apologize for that anymore. I used to. I used to do that often and I’m catching myself and trying to stop myself now because I’m realizing that while my intensity scares some folks off,  that doesn’t mean I need to be someone else, it means they weren’t meant to be in my world.

The world around me is intense everyday. Every single emotion feels intense. The happier the emotion, the more intense it is because of how dark the world can be for me at times. I have to feel very emotionally secure in a friendship before I drop my walls. But what those walls guard might surprise you. I’m known for my ability to be vulnerable even with the public- so what am I guarding with those walls? It isn’t my story. It’s my laughter and my silly side. It’s pure joy that I guard. That’s like gold in a world like this.  

I want to know that when my world falls apart because of a meltdown that they are going to stay right there and that they believe in me enough to know that the storm will pass and we will laugh and be silly again. 

Last night one of my closest friends was listening to me share some really intense things from my past which is often my way of saying “Can I trust you not to abandon me right now?” and she seems to know that what I need during meltdowns is gentle reassurance and then redirection. I found myself laughing again not that much later as she sent me silly pictures and lovingly reassured me that she was there and that she loved me. I felt so much closer to her after that. 

The biggest drawback is a very big one though. The hard thing about being so strongly drawn to those who know what pain is like is that we can all sort of get stuck in our own world of pain. I do it and I cringe at how I’ve definitely not been there for friends or even family when I should have been. I’ve also found myself trying to save people from themselves. I’ve wound up in some seriously toxic entanglements trying to be there for folks who definitely have the emotional depth that I am so drawn to but have chosen to let their pain make their hearts cold as ice. I’m learning that there is a distinct difference between someone who “knows pain” and someone who loves to inflict it because they are bitter. 

I want friendships with people who know what pain is but will call me higher when the tide comes rolling in. I want friendships where we can bypass the small talk when something is wrong with either of us. I want friendships and relationships with people who can appreciate that I avoid shallow interactions because life is too short for anything meaningless. Those are the people who make me laugh so hard my face hurts late at night. Those are the people I trust my joy and laughter with.  

I have experienced so much loss in my lifetime and one thing I have learned from that loss is to love harder not less. When Devin passed away I learned to never take a single day for granted. Knowing I missed his last phone call is something I have to live with forever. But a wise old friend once told me that when I feel afraid to try to find someone beautiful about it. Fear is ugly. Love is beautiful and so I try to embrace love instead and offer it to those I treasure most. 

I love to laugh. It’s like an amazing gift that sets your soul free. It’s so soothing and comforting. But just like everything else in my world, being able to be silly and just laugh with me also means you’ve waded past those shallows to get to me first. 

I’m not ever going to be that shiny elusive fish sparkling like diamonds in the shallows. I’m the girl who wears her scars and her heart on her sleeve. I’m not someone who is hard to catch or even hard to find. I don’t play games. I try to be kind to everyone but I have my small circle too and the select few that I choose to actually invest my time in know that it’s never a question of what time of day it is (2AM or 2PM) or how far I need to drive- I’ll be there. But they also know that they won’t find me in shallow waters. 

They’ll find me in the deepest places sometimes. I tend to stay down there investigating, learning, and trying to gently show others who are afraid and hiding that if we keep our focus on the sunlight sparkling above – everything is actually going to be okay. And those who don’t make that effort to meet me in the deep can expect a friendly wave from me when I come up for a chance to breathe. 

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Aquiver – #Poetry

You are like that first breath in

as the frost of Autumn begins

Your voice sends me aquiver,

It plays on sleeping heart strings-

My existence feels raw in your company,

like our memories were just

stepping stones

and you are forever challenging me to know how to simply be

and there is no need for pretense

There is something rather exhilarating 

about how I always feel

my very being unraveling 

and so very overly exposed

whenever your soul looks at me.

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Maiden Voyage #poetry

Your eyes bethought me

of the highest seas-

An ever wild Prussian Blue,

And your weathered hands

ran through sandy hair

as we reluctantly withdrew.

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Pieces- A Poem #Poetry

Sitting silently hugging my knees
You had joined the Army;
I lived so far away, & everything had changed
Soft grey words were spoken like the calm before the storm; 
then, like loud clouds, crashing

Suddenly I was facing you; your strong arms were holding me

My heartbeat 

falling into yours 

as your hands 

told me the ending 

of the saddest love story

your fingers caressing my lower back, your lips so softly grazing my cheek

I don’t recall if the sun had set in that moment you had to leave, you drove away so quickly 

as my heart beat broke into a million unforgettable memories that you left behind; that I gathered and held close to comfort me. 

and every once in awhile, I see you smile and I pause to catch my breath & thank the heavens that – 

you are still safely woven within my heartbeat, 

as I carry on my journey.

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Paper Daisies #Poetry

For K.

Crumpled paper daisies,
like seeds of 

scribbled secrets-

blooming dreams-

& everything I am becoming

are falling from me,

along this mountainside

& I crawl in utter darkness.

My frozen feet // bleed 

on this cold path

of maturing yet

shattered dreams

staining the hem of

this snow white dress 
flowing around me,

as I stumble into dawn.

The shackles of ice

are ever so slowly 

cracking 

Splintering light as 

they melt

on this journey

releasing their grip

on the dark-

on my soul-

on my heart-

as they fall apart

leaving what was broken

once again whole-

& I walk 

& I climb on 

towards Spring.

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Are You Sure? #Autism #Relationships

This past week has been full of new deep insights for me. I feel like I’ve been growing a lot and finding out things that need fixing so I can heal.

One thing I’ve learned recently is that it is far too easy in this day and age to expect a fairy tale ending instead of perhaps hoping for a happy existence and enjoying the present. When we get stuck in the future, things sure do get garbled.

For most of my life I have sought of reassurance and security in all the wrong places. It is easy to lose sight of our own self worth and that it doesn’t come from other people’s opinions of who we are. When this really sank in, I realized that if I want to be happy- the work begins within myself.

As a lot of people, autistic or not can relate to, we may not have fit in just right growing up. I grew up feeling constantly insecure about who I was and it took until almost thirty for me to realize that it’s not my job to be just like everyone else. God make me unique just like everyone else.

I realized that when I have extremely high expectations in a relationship they are all pretty much tied to a fear that I’m not good enough and not worthy of love and therefore constantly seeking reassurance that they do in fact love me when it really wasn’t their job.

For years, I have wondered what the concept of “loving yourself” meant and now I think I’ve finally figured that part out. I have come to realize that I am worthy because God says I am. Not because someone else said so. I’ve learned that when we are desperately seeking reassurance and love, He is the perfect one to turn to because his love is perfect. Any other love is just a bonus. It doesn’t mean we don’t need people in our lives, it just means we don’t need people in our lives to prove to us that we are worthy. 

It is the most freeing feeling in the world when I am able to separate my own self worth from everyone else’s words or actions. It means I don’t have to be afraid of what will be said or done by a friend, partner, or family member simply because I can be secure in God’s love and His love is sufficient. 

This also allows me to be a better friend because it means that, when I am not constantly in need of reassurance, I can see beyond my own needs and truly listen to their words and not be so afraid and ready to defend my self worth. 

I am the type of person who is passionate about getting things done. That doesn’t work in relationships exactly. I’m learning that real love is slow growing and for a good reason: Life is hard and it needs to withstand a lot. I’ve made the mistake in the past of trying to rush ahead in relationships. Why? Because I was insecure that I would lose them and because I forgot that the journey in life isn’t about the “destination”, it’s about the adventures, trials, and blessings along the way.

I’m learning that by going slow we allow our hearts to build a firm foundation with someone else and that, if I am emotionally secure and self sufficient, I’ll actually enjoy that slow journey a lot more. We are always reminded to “live each day as if it were our last” and I think I’ve missed the mark. That doesn’t mean rush ahead. It means stay in the present, it means pay attention, and it means to truly appreciate with a deep sense of gratitude what you have today.

I’m learning that patience isn’t a punishment. Patience isn’t a strength of mine but I’m working on it because the more I learn to slow down in life, the more I’m finding myself laughing and enjoying what’s happening right now and all of that frantic anxiety about getting ahead starts to look rather unattractive.
One step at a time. Slowly.

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