A Jar of Stars – A Poem

Firelight grows and burns

in your tired owl eyes

growing brighter like

splashes of white & golden light

Crackling and bursting

like sparks of an unlocking padlock

Foreshadowing the reveal of 

a lost and almost forgotten garden-

then you laugh//

and I fall back into the moment

as I lean back to study the stars

wishing I could capture the grounding constellations 

in a jar of roots dancing like fireflies

and I reach out slowly//

to hold your hand

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I’ve had some much to say and no words to share it all. As I sit here listening to “Let It Be” by The Beatles, I’m finding some of those words although most details are far too private to share with the world. 

Sometimes life catches you by surprise. 2013 and 2014 were the most challenging years of my life to date but I’m stronger than I was before. I have learned so much about perspective and that despite my need for routine and my dislike of change, it does not negate the need for change at times. I am learning very quickly that sometimes change is actually a good thing.

Coming to the realization that my marriage wasn’t working…and wasn’t going to get better… wasn’t easy. Now, I can look back and see why I held so tightly to the hope that it would…if I just tried harder. After all…isn’t that what most will tell you? Keep trying. Keep pushing. Marriage isn’t easy. 

What I learned is that it’s not about who was in the wrong. It’s not about pointing fingers. It’s about growing and letting go. I went through so many emotions. Anger with myself and them, overflowing moments of sorrow, forgiveness, and then finally it came…peace. 

But this isn’t just about my divorce. I’ve grieved that loss and a couple of others as well. Grief and pain tend to come in multiples and so I had to do a lot of soul searching to find that peace. I will always deal with daily anxiety but I have found some new coping skills to help me deal with it in a healthier way.

I’ve been facing my fears a lot over the last few months. It’s interesting to know that when you stare fear in the face it starts to lose it’s power because there are usually no logical roots to keep it grounded. Stomping out some of those fears has been amazing.

This month marked a brand start for me. I still come face to face with daily challenges but I have found that prayer has become a priority again. I have found my smile again. It’s all about perspective. So instead of living in constant fear I am choosing to focus on gratitude. It’s really that simple.

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Facing Fears

Sometimes we learn life lessons in incredibly unexpected ways. In my recent post about fear I didn’t really expound much on the good that has come from learning about why fear is such a waste of time and useless.

For so long I believed that as long as I remained afraid of things I would never have to face them. It was a huge misunderstanding of a Bible verse I had read so many times over to comfort myself when I felt afraid. That God wouldn’t give me more than I could handle so I figured that if I remained so afraid that I couldn’t handle it…I would never have to face my fears.

It took a long long time to see how cowardly and untrue that concept is. Basically it means that I was choosing to be terrified so that I wouldn’t risk ever being frightened. Looking back it makes absolutely zero sense but it felt like a security blanket and I never really processed what I was doing.

But fear doesn’t kill evil and fear doesn’t stop it. Love does. Love is stronger than any fear. It truly is, as cliche as it may sound to you, the most powerful thing. Doing what is right instead of being a coward sounds so simple. It seems black and white. But it’s not. Not even close.

You know when you finish a book that has a good versus evil theme and your heart is pounding towards the end. Good has to win and evil has to die right? Well, that happened to me today and when that wasn’t exactly what happened..it was more vague…it occurred to me…

Just as mentioned in my previous post, darkness is everywhere. It won’t ever truly be killed or gone. In real life there usually is no good guy versus bad guy. We are all human and we are all flawed. I felt rather distraught about that for a moment but then it dawned on me that THAT isn’t the point…

Love cannot be killed. Love will always win the war even if we lose some battles and THAT is what counts. We learn from out mistakes. If we never made poor choices there would be very little to learn and very little room to grow. What an an amazing thing to learn from something so random.

I love it when that happens. :)

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The Color of Fear

I grew up believing that something was simply right or wrong and that there is nothing in between. But there is: It’s called fear. If darkness is everywhere and light is also everywhere… then fear must have a home along that same spectrum.

We know that fear does not live in the light. It cowers like nothing else in this universe. So analytically speaking, not only does fear itself live in darkness, it is actually a part of it. It has it’s own shade of black that we call gray.

People often confuse fear with religious submission but I can attest to the fact that living in fear for so many years is living in a Hell of your own creation. Fear speaks, it breathes whatever life we offer it, and it lives within all of us. We all face it and we each choose how we will respond.

Fear is very fragile in concept but hard to kill. It’s flimsier than plastic but stronger than steel because we hold onto it so tightly. But if you think about it on a grander scale, on a much grander scale, knowing that it only has the power we allow it, it is really nothing but a dark destructive illusion.

It offers no hope, no joy, nor does it offer happiness. It creates barriers and shreds trust that time has built in a millisecond if we allow it. Fear is not a friend but our greatest enemy. Fear is a monster we create from our scars, from our past, from our pain, and from our own weaknesses. It does not protect us, guide us in a the right direction, nor does not shelter us in any way.

In the end, fear is nothing but a false shade of light…much like a wolf in a sheep suit. But once we stop choosing to live in fear and start living for love, living for hope, and living to give back…the world seems like such a happier place.

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Lights Out – A Poem

Just processing a very old memory tonight. Written while listening to “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan which was the song I was humming that night.

Fluorescent lights
blink out
& I can hear
the thunder now

As I slowly
the wall

In this corner
time & place…
I feel so crumpled

& yet it rains
& I ache for daybreak
just like yesterday

My arms are now
violently trembling
wrapped tightly
around my knees
I begin slowly rocking

As I close my
tired swollen eyes
& lean my hot face
against an
artificial breeze

towards my shadow
that sits beside me
below the window

another drag
of bitter nicotine
& clouds swirl & dance
like the summer storm
that surrounds me

As I try
not to cry-
As I try
to just breathe //

& yet it rains
& I ache for daybreak
just like yesterday

Letting it all go
Releasing this
bittersweet sorrow
As I dream of peace.

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At the Tunnel’s End – A Poem

Un – ravel – ling
from an
fetal position

Legs — just barely
but weakly —
moving — unsteady
unsure of their
own condition

to stand again
Toes uncurl and
Fists — open — wide
as I open my eyes

& I crawl through
the darkest tunnel
Scraping knees
Bruised and bleeding

seeking light
seeking freedom
and the blue light I see
comforts me
at the tunnel’s end

a different world
an ocean — of wisdom
of choices —
of vastly – different

timidly leaning against
a tidal wave to stand
as it CRASHES down
upon me-

Sending me to depths
of self reflection
I’ve never seen —
Concepts and pages
I’ve never read —

Swimming against
this tide of searing pain
these waves are closing in
from all directions

beginning to kick —
to fight against the
seaweed that is wrapped
around my ankles

Wrists and I —
gasp — at the surface
Flailing – as I
breathe in again

blinking at the sun
that is slowly
rising before me

and warm sand sifts
through my toes
below — and I realize
That I’m — I’m – yes…
I am standing

This pain, this wisdom —
has it’s own heartbeat
& yet it also beats within me
and despite adversity
and it’s warfare
that never fights fair…

I know – that I will
conquer this ocean
that sits just
beyond the tunnel’s end

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Changes #Autism #Aspie #Aspergers

Hello everyone,

There have been a lot of enormous changes in my life this year and a lot of personal self growth.

But what do you do when it’s not enough? Sometimes I feel like I am constantly trying to ground myself because it feels like everything is constantly changing around me whether it be work or personal…

Changes are so hard. Temporary ones are easiest…permanent ones shake me to my core.

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