Pieces- A Poem #Poetry

Sitting silently hugging my knees
You had joined the Army;
I lived so far away, & everything had changed
Soft grey words were spoken like the calm before the storm; 
then, like loud clouds, crashing

Suddenly I was facing you; your strong arms were holding me

My heartbeat 

falling into yours 

as your hands 

told me the ending 

of the saddest love story

your fingers caressing my lower back, your lips so softly grazing my cheek

I don’t recall if the sun had set in that moment you had to leave, you drove away so quickly 

as my heart beat broke into a million unforgettable memories that you left behind; that I gathered and held close to comfort me. 

and every once in awhile, I see you smile and I pause to catch my breath & thank the heavens that – 

you are still safely woven within my heartbeat, 

as I carry on my journey.

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Paper Daisies #Poetry

Crumpled paper daisies,

like seeds of 

scribbled secrets-

blooming dreams-

& everything I am becoming

are falling from me,

along this mountainside

& I crawl in utter darkness.

My frozen feet // bleed 

on this cold path

of maturing yet

shattered dreams

staining the hem of

this snow white dress 
flowing around me,

as I stumble into dawn.

The shackles of ice

are ever so slowly 

cracking 

Splintering light as 

they melt

on this journey

releasing their grip

on the dark-

on my soul-

on my heart-

as they fall apart

leaving what was broken

once again whole-

& I walk 

& I climb on 

towards Spring.

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Are You Sure? #Autism #Relationships

This past week has been full of new deep insights for me. I feel like I’ve been growing a lot and finding out things that need fixing so I can heal.

One thing I’ve learned recently is that it is far too easy in this day and age to expect a fairy tale ending instead of perhaps hoping for a happy existence and enjoying the present. When we get stuck in the future, things sure do get garbled.

For most of my life I have sought of reassurance and security in all the wrong places. It is easy to lose sight of our own self worth and that it doesn’t come from other people’s opinions of who we are. When this really sank in, I realized that if I want to be happy- the work begins within myself.

As a lot of people, autistic or not can relate to, we may not have fit in just right growing up. I grew up feeling constantly insecure about who I was and it took until almost thirty for me to realize that it’s not my job to be just like everyone else. God make me unique just like everyone else.

I realized that when I have extremely high expectations in a relationship they are all pretty much tied to a fear that I’m not good enough and not worthy of love and therefore constantly seeking reassurance that they do in fact love me when it really wasn’t their job.

For years, I have wondered what the concept of “loving yourself” meant and now I think I’ve finally figured that part out. I have come to realize that I am worthy because God says I am. Not because someone else said so. I’ve learned that when we are desperately seeking reassurance and love, He is the perfect one to turn to because his love is perfect. Any other love is just a bonus. It doesn’t mean we don’t need people in our lives, it just means we don’t need people in our lives to prove to us that we are worthy. 

It is the most freeing feeling in the world when I am able to separate my own self worth from everyone else’s words or actions. It means I don’t have to be afraid of what will be said or done by a friend, partner, or family member simply because I can be secure in God’s love and His love is sufficient. 

This also allows me to be a better friend because it means that, when I am not constantly in need of reassurance, I can see beyond my own needs and truly listen to their words and not be so afraid and ready to defend my self worth. 

I am the type of person who is passionate about getting things done. That doesn’t work in relationships exactly. I’m learning that real love is slow growing and for a good reason: Life is hard and it needs to withstand a lot. I’ve made the mistake in the past of trying to rush ahead in relationships. Why? Because I was insecure that I would lose them and because I forgot that the journey in life isn’t about the “destination”, it’s about the adventures, trials, and blessings along the way.

I’m learning that by going slow we allow our hearts to build a firm foundation with someone else and that, if I am emotionally secure and self sufficient, I’ll actually enjoy that slow journey a lot more. We are always reminded to “live each day as if it were our last” and I think I’ve missed the mark. That doesn’t mean rush ahead. It means stay in the present, it means pay attention, and it means to truly appreciate with a deep sense of gratitude what you have today.

I’m learning that patience isn’t a punishment. Patience isn’t a strength of mine but I’m working on it because the more I learn to slow down in life, the more I’m finding myself laughing and enjoying what’s happening right now and all of that frantic anxiety about getting ahead starts to look rather unattractive.
One step at a time. Slowly.

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The Bench – #Poetry

Sitting in the dark

on the coldest of nights

On an old wooden bench

Weeping under the stars

Wondering what I did 

wrong

Wondering…

where you are

Praying for peace

and for the will 

to be strong

Sitting in the dark

on the coldest of nights

grappling for something to lean on 

Wishing upon a Ganymede
that I cannot see

with faith that your eyes

will search the same sky

and that your heart 

will 
find 
me

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Hiraeth – A Poem

I wrote this while thinking of a very old memory of sitting in an old porch swing I happened to find in the tall grass on an abandoned path. I found the title name for this song from this article (See No. 4)

HIRAETH

In a fetal position

on an abandoned 

old porch swing

Watching tall grass 

swirl in the breeze

The twilight sky 

like a nightingale,

I listen carefully 

as it whispers 

sweet memories

and the old iron 

chains creak…

as the breeze and its song

swing me to 

a place of peace.  

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Tempest – A Poem #Poetry

Chilled to the bone

as I pull back my bow

Angered skies

pelting me like 

frozen acid

and ricochet-  

off my now numb skin

I pull back harder

Matching your wit 

with strength

Matching my flaming 

tempest within 

Releasing –  the – tension

with only the heavens as our audience

Our sharp words 

like 

arrows 

fly

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Yesterday – A Poem #Poetry

Frozen fingers fumble

with loose strings of my

tattered faded jeans

Gently rocking &

tapping 

my 

numb-ing

bare 

feet

to the rhythm of my 

broken heartbeat

My pockets have bled

with nothing left 

to line them 

but 

shattered 

dreams

Tears falling –

Stinging in the breeze 

& every time 

I look into your eyes

I can see a gentle sorrow

& my heart stumbles

Clutching to yesterday

Tomorrow is so cold.

Gently wrapping 

my memories around me

As I listen to your words 

about everything but

what we are feeling…

& I just keep rocking.

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