I tend to feel like a burden to others.
That being said, someone recently shared with me that the frustration is more that I am quick to pull back the request for help than that the request was frustrating in of itself.
My first response- defensiveness. Once I started to let go of “If this is my fault, then everything is my fault”, I started to think. My first thought was that I did this to protect others from me and after thinking this over for over a week now, I realized the truth.
I do it to protect myself. Over the years I’ve been told by multiple people “I don’t know what you expect from me” or “I don’t know if I can be the friend you need” and each time I crumbled. To me, I thought I was just asking for friendship, albeit an intense one, a best friend maybe. I didn’t understand why my presence was so demanding or so overwhelming to others.
Then, I thought it must be my Aspergers Syndrome. Some of it may be because of the social and communication challenges but ultimately, this is not the sole answer.
Fortunately, (I think) I am slowly beginning to understand. I think that what I have been trying to ask people to do is be my family. I do not have a close relationship with either of my parents and I think I got things very mixed up somehow. I started seeking emotional support from people who, naturally, already have a family of their own. This is where the seemingly “needy” behavior has been stemming from. I never knew why but now that I know this about myself, I need to fix it- fast. My first solution? Push everyone away. No that won’t work.
But I still can’t believe that this just now dawning on me. All of this time, I’ve wanted (from almost strangers or acquaintances), a family: a mother, a father, brothers, sisters… I’ve wanted that closeness I saw when I watched “7th Heaven” religiously year ago. I’ve even told a couple people in my life over the last decade that I saw them as something like a “big sister” so how have I not made this extremely important connection before? It must have totally pushed them away and now I finally get it. But it doesn’t make me happy to realize this- I feel very very sad about all of this instead and I can’t shake it. It’s like a part of my inner-self is just now being told to grow up.
When I was much younger, I used to pray that God would somehow give me an older sister- a protector from everything scary. Someone to go to when things were too much. Someone to laugh with. Someone to cry with. I wanted to know that someone would be there.
I had no clue that I was imposing such a request. I wish I had known so many years ago. But the issue is- I still want that. Every holiday season is such a challenge. Knowing I won’t be seeing my father and knowing my relationship with my mother is definitely tense. She and I are both very passionate people and unfortunately both passionate about very opposing things. We love each other but its not any sort of typical mother daughter relationship.
I tend to ramble forever, but because this topic is so close to home and because I have no clue where to begin to rectify the situation, I need to stop and go to bed. I don’t want to dwell too long on this mistake that has been ongoing for years. I don’t want to get stuck in this “woe is me” state of mind. Perseverating won’t help but I will find a way. Getting closer to my either of my parents is not in any way an option, at this point, at least. But seeking family elsewhere is not an option either. It’s going to push people away anyways as it has.
Maybe prayer will help. It has to.