Moving On

Okay, so a lot of my blog posts have been very negative lately. A lot of venting. A lot of letting things go. I can’t say I’ve figured it all out yet but I can tell you one thing, I know that I want to start writing more about positive things. It’s time to move on for now.

I’m currently listening to “Catch My Breath” by Kelly Clarkson (on repeat, what else?) and the lyrics seem to be the story of my life. But one thing is amazing about the lyrics- they have a positive message in there that I’ve never really thought through until this week. I was having a really tough day and I put on some Kelly music and it came on and this time I really listened.

It’s an amazing song. It is so inspirational to me because it tells me that even if you’ve had it rough for a long time, you can set yourself free of all of that. Music sets me free, although if you’ve been following my poetry, you may have already figured that one out.

Music has such an incredible place in my heart. It’s always there when I need a friend, just like prayer. In fact, I was recently talking to a friend about how music and prayer have been entertained for me for years.

When I was younger, I once prayed for God to play me a song on the radio. It became a habit and it has never failed me once. It might sound silly or nutty to you, but its gotten me through some of my darkest hours. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. ๐Ÿ˜‰

One of the biggest coping skills that I have is my headphones and my music. Just like my sunglasses, if I don’t have my phone and my headphones, I feel lost for the entire day.

I don’t know how many people who read this know that I sing. I have horrible stage fright but every once in awhile, I find my voice and it is one of the most therapeutic things for me to do. It’s like a release of pressure to sing. My step brothers used to tell me I should audition for “American Idol” years and years ago. But I don’t think that is where my singing is headed. I used to sing at church and here is the thing- I know I can sing. I know I have a good voice but without that confidence that I need, I will rarely ever try.

So maybe I need to go back to singing. Even if its just when I am alone at home. I think it’ll help me focus on the positive. I used to sing “Via Dolorosa” at age 10 at church and I still sing it every once in awhile. It still brings me to my knees to remember the Cross.

I need to go back to church again. I need to find a way to deal with the social aspect and the crowd and noise so I can find my peace with God again.

As I’ve written in several recent blog posts, I seek out love and touch from the wrong people and a lot of that is caused by sensory issues and emotional immaturity, but I also know that if I need a rock to lean on and I often do, God is never too busy, and if I need words of affirmation, I have an entire book of them to reference. ๐Ÿ™‚

Why do I so often try to befriend people who have little interest in being friends with me when I already have people in my life who love me? It’s like I am subconsciously choosing to be miserable.

I may not ever have many friends. I may not even have my dream “best friend” either, but I have a lot to be grateful for. I realize now that my OCD like behavior of trying to explain myself and apologizing for every wrong word I say, isn’t helping people understand me, it’s just apologizing for who I am.

But you know, I almost never see what I am doing in the moment. I still have that tendency to try to figure out why people don’t like me. It’s a vicious cycle – but hey at least I can see it these days. I’ll still reach out to people who have made it clear that they aren’t looking for friendship and I’ll say something stupid or extremely emotional and then realize right afterwards “WRONG WAY. TURN AROUND NOW.” A lot of it seems to be the Aspie in me, and while that isn’t going anywhere, my attitude can improve and I can learn. I learn more everyday. I can refocus who I seek out. It’s just going to take practice.

So anyways, back to the positive. Let’s move on. I have a lot of growing up to do, but who doesn’t? I’ll get there. My “to do” list is ever growing but these I will gladly add:

Pray more, smile more, laugh more.

Sounds like a good plan to me.

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About Gretchen Leary

I am 30 years old, I live in the Boston area, and I am writing from the perspective of an individual with Asperger's Syndrome.
This entry was posted in ASD, Aspergers, Autism and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Moving On

  1. Ah, Gretchen, we all have venting streaks! At least you admit yours.
    Hope you find a church that accepts you for who you are. It’s easy to get sucked in by Pentacostal churches, which have great music and fiery stuff, but when it comes down to it, their theology is narrow. It’s like there should be an asterisk after the “All Are Welcome” part. My daughter likes the United Church of Christ because they really MEAN the welcome; it’s an extravagant welcome. Rainbow banners and “God Is Still Speaking” signs with commas on them are the best way to find the best UCC churches. Also the Unitarian church is good, but if you are in the Christian mindset, UCC might be great for you.
    Also, Riley puts on headphones and immerses herself in music, even while working on art. She picks music she knows so it doesn’t distract her from her artwork….

    Nice post. You are so open, as am I. I’m beginning to feel like I have a “second daughter” somewhere in cyberspace!! Peace and prayer, Amy

    If I had a hammer
    I’d hammer in the morning
    I’d hammer in the evening
    All over this land

    I’d hammer out danger
    I’d hammer out a warning
    I’d hammer out love between my
    brothers and my sisters
    All over this land

    If I had a bell
    I’d ring it in the morning
    I’d ring it in the evening
    All over this land

    I’d ring out danger
    I’d ring out a warning
    I’d ring out love between my
    brothers and my sisters
    All over this land

    If I had song
    I’d sing it in the morning
    I’d sing it in the evening
    All over this land

    I’d sing out danger
    I’d sing out a warning
    I’d sing out love between my
    brothers and my sisters
    All over this land

    Well I got a hammer,
    And I got a bell,
    And I got a song to sing,
    All over this land

    It’s the hammer of Justice
    It’s the bell of Freedom
    It’s the song about Love
    between my brothers and my sisters
    All over this land.

    It’s the hammer of Justice
    It’s the bell of Freedom
    It’s the song about Love
    between my brothers and my sisters
    All over this land.

  2. Crap. Didn’t mean to paste those song lyrics in there, sorry. Distracted from a project; we’re singing this in our church this week to honor the homecoming of our mission team, which deployed to the Katrina region two weeks ago!

  3. gardenlilie says:

    Hi Gretchen…That’s okay to vent, every now and then. I did on twitter a couple days ago. I end up talking to the air, the air in cyberspace. You only really need one or two friends, which I’m sure you have. Move on from all those appointments and start living. You will never be twenty five again and twenty five is a good thing; so is forty five and sixty five, etc. Sometime explain to us exactly what asperger’s is and does. I’m a nurse but forget what I knew about it. I believe it’s okay to love people who don’t love us back, as love is a beautiful thing, it tears down walls and builds bridges. :)!

    • Hi there! Venting can definitely relieve pressure of anxiety and frustration. I’m just trying not to make a huge habit of it while learning to let go. It’s easy to stay stuck in a lonely state of mind, especially when examining my own downfalls and losses. Thank-you for your support and taking the time to stop by and read. I love hearing feedback. It means so much to me!

  4. disastress says:

    i love venting. it shows us we are not alone. and even the aspect of your personality where you OCD style apologize is, most indubitably, endearing. it IS you, to apologize profusely. and why not? most people, consumed in their peacock feathers, have no idea how to say sorry – so even doing so, when you are not wrong, is a celebration of gratitude to those in listening distance. hey, thanks for listening, it says. at least, to me. it warrants a smile and a nudge. a wink, too. my OCD comes in the form of vacuuming, swiffering, running, fluffing pillows, and wondering what i am missing out on. we’re all flawed. i’ve had a lot of friends, but i love having a small, inner circle. a little club of misfits, ousting ourselves into our own little nation of bliss. i think you have it write, i mean, right. xo.

    • Heh, I doubt that my apologizing is still endearing to those who have known me for more than a few days but I can only work to improve by trying not to say it as much and to show that gratitude in other ways. Often, I don’t realize I’ve said sorry though until I’ve said it and then how do you fix that haha? Say sorry for apologizing? It can turn into quite a cycle of “I’m sorry”s and it can be discouraging when I do it a bunch of times in a row without seeing it. Usually, the more I know someone, if I trust them, the less I say it. Btw, you could come vacuum my house anytime haha. I hate the noise, though someone’s got to do it. Headphones help.

      • disastress says:

        i understand, but is the fact that i find it endearing that you don’t find it endearing endearing? i guess think of it like this: we all have our flaws… my god, i sure do. hey, my vacuum is very quiet, so that won’t annoy you, and i move around swiftly, like some kind of stealthy snake, to keep gawkers at bay. actually, i’m like a fan, you cannot tell my limb from limb, like a fan – i’m a blur. i could be vacuuming with my foot, for all you know. hehe. anyway, you can apologize to me, or not, as much as you like. and if it makes you feel uncomfortable, that you say sorry so much, we can just ignore it – self progress is great. look at me all defending you and telling you not to change. haha. who’s got issues (points at self). xo.

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