Okay, so a lot of my blog posts have been very negative lately. A lot of venting. A lot of letting things go. I can’t say I’ve figured it all out yet but I can tell you one thing, I know that I want to start writing more about positive things. It’s time to move on for now.
I’m currently listening to “Catch My Breath” by Kelly Clarkson (on repeat, what else?) and the lyrics seem to be the story of my life. But one thing is amazing about the lyrics- they have a positive message in there that I’ve never really thought through until this week. I was having a really tough day and I put on some Kelly music and it came on and this time I really listened.
It’s an amazing song. It is so inspirational to me because it tells me that even if you’ve had it rough for a long time, you can set yourself free of all of that. Music sets me free, although if you’ve been following my poetry, you may have already figured that one out.
Music has such an incredible place in my heart. It’s always there when I need a friend, just like prayer. In fact, I was recently talking to a friend about how music and prayer have been entertained for me for years.
When I was younger, I once prayed for God to play me a song on the radio. It became a habit and it has never failed me once. It might sound silly or nutty to you, but its gotten me through some of my darkest hours. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. 😉
One of the biggest coping skills that I have is my headphones and my music. Just like my sunglasses, if I don’t have my phone and my headphones, I feel lost for the entire day.
I don’t know how many people who read this know that I sing. I have horrible stage fright but every once in awhile, I find my voice and it is one of the most therapeutic things for me to do. It’s like a release of pressure to sing. My step brothers used to tell me I should audition for “American Idol” years and years ago. But I don’t think that is where my singing is headed. I used to sing at church and here is the thing- I know I can sing. I know I have a good voice but without that confidence that I need, I will rarely ever try.
So maybe I need to go back to singing. Even if its just when I am alone at home. I think it’ll help me focus on the positive. I used to sing “Via Dolorosa” at age 10 at church and I still sing it every once in awhile. It still brings me to my knees to remember the Cross.
I need to go back to church again. I need to find a way to deal with the social aspect and the crowd and noise so I can find my peace with God again.
As I’ve written in several recent blog posts, I seek out love and touch from the wrong people and a lot of that is caused by sensory issues and emotional immaturity, but I also know that if I need a rock to lean on and I often do, God is never too busy, and if I need words of affirmation, I have an entire book of them to reference. 🙂
Why do I so often try to befriend people who have little interest in being friends with me when I already have people in my life who love me? It’s like I am subconsciously choosing to be miserable.
I may not ever have many friends. I may not even have my dream “best friend” either, but I have a lot to be grateful for. I realize now that my OCD like behavior of trying to explain myself and apologizing for every wrong word I say, isn’t helping people understand me, it’s just apologizing for who I am.
But you know, I almost never see what I am doing in the moment. I still have that tendency to try to figure out why people don’t like me. It’s a vicious cycle – but hey at least I can see it these days. I’ll still reach out to people who have made it clear that they aren’t looking for friendship and I’ll say something stupid or extremely emotional and then realize right afterwards “WRONG WAY. TURN AROUND NOW.” A lot of it seems to be the Aspie in me, and while that isn’t going anywhere, my attitude can improve and I can learn. I learn more everyday. I can refocus who I seek out. It’s just going to take practice.
So anyways, back to the positive. Let’s move on. I have a lot of growing up to do, but who doesn’t? I’ll get there. My “to do” list is ever growing but these I will gladly add:
Pray more, smile more, laugh more.
Sounds like a good plan to me.