Tired of Thinking

I feel like sometimes its easy to lose sense of self when digging deep in self reflection. I know that I have spent countless hours on how to let go and how to change to become a better friend to others, but it’s starting to feel sort of draining.

I don’t want to lose sight that God made me the way that I am. I know I will always strive for excellence and to be a better person but I also want to learn how to love myself. It’s hard for me to see a clear balance with these two things as I am so hard on myself.

I also fear that the more I try to be less awkward, the higher the risk will be that I may seem more awkward than before. I know that I am not a puppet to Autism or to society, but I always feel like in order to be worthy of love, I have to apologize and beg for forgiveness because of my fear of abandonment.

I just wish I could celebrate who I am without the fear that “who I am” will be the very reason I have no friends.

I feel so confused and tired right now. I wish that life was more simple. I want to be me but I want to be loved. It doesn’t feel like both are possible and with good reason. My “Can I Hug You?</a" And "Ready or Not” blog posts go into more detail on why this is.

For now, I just want to sleep.

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About Gretchen Leary

I am 30 years old, I live in the Boston area, and I am writing from the perspective of an individual with Asperger's Syndrome.
This entry was posted in ASD, Aspergers, Autism and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Tired of Thinking

  1. raeme67 says:

    Hoping all the best for you.

  2. I understand all that you write. I have no answer. I only know I have tried too hard to be a friend to everyone – but when times got hard for me I truly was abandoned. “Friend” is a strange word – most people with a lot of friends, I think, are simply social and therefore will always have friends. Those of us who self-reflect and are self-conscious tend to be drained by others. Then we drain ourselves further by endlessly trying to please. I don’t have any conclusions. I am in the same place you are – but I know one thing: it’s important that, in our fear of being abandoned, we don’t abandon ourselves. No need for us to “celebrate” who we are, I don’t think. Acceptance isn’t a celebration. Maybe just a way to relax into simply being and doing what comes naturally – even if this means being a recluse. I also am so very tired and I also think I will now go to sleep.

  3. gardenlilie says:

    Gretchen … we all have low times, even the happiest of us. Hopefully, you don’t feel like that all the time. Remember to be a friend, act to others as you would want to be treated, so on and so forth. Unfortunately, we are born alone and die alone, but here on earth we don’t have to be lonely. There are plenty of people that want a friend, such as I. You will find them if you want them. 🙂

  4. tinkwelborn says:

    Nice piece…..
    simply said.
    ….
    thank you for sharing.

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