I feel like sometimes its easy to lose sense of self when digging deep in self reflection. I know that I have spent countless hours on how to let go and how to change to become a better friend to others, but it’s starting to feel sort of draining.
I don’t want to lose sight that God made me the way that I am. I know I will always strive for excellence and to be a better person but I also want to learn how to love myself. It’s hard for me to see a clear balance with these two things as I am so hard on myself.
I also fear that the more I try to be less awkward, the higher the risk will be that I may seem more awkward than before. I know that I am not a puppet to Autism or to society, but I always feel like in order to be worthy of love, I have to apologize and beg for forgiveness because of my fear of abandonment.
I just wish I could celebrate who I am without the fear that “who I am” will be the very reason I have no friends.
I feel so confused and tired right now. I wish that life was more simple. I want to be me but I want to be loved. It doesn’t feel like both are possible and with good reason. My “Can I Hug You?</a" And "Ready or Not” blog posts go into more detail on why this is.
For now, I just want to sleep.