I’m feeling even more emotional than usual. No surprise there, this year has changed a lot for me.
It’s funny how I write when I am upset most of the time. I don’t know what to write about when I’m happy. When I’m happy, I can hardly sit still long enough to write (never mind find the words to write down).
I know that my poetry is often intense and dramatic and…well…sad most of the time. But it’s my outlet. I know that I tend to think about sad times in order to self soothe as those moments are when I often felt protected by someone and then I remember that feeling- and I dwell on it and I usually feel better.
I know this isn’t healthy. I know there are a lot of things I’m not proud of at the moment. So far, this year has been so filled with reflection that I think I need to take a minute to breathe and just be. I can’t change for everyone else, in fact I shouldn’t change for everyone else. I need to change for myself so that I can be happier and in turn be a better friend.
But I’ve been so hard on myself that I’m starting to notice this feeling of nagging lurking sadness that keeps creeping up on me. I’m remembering too much these days and I think my therapist is going to be the best person to help me accept these things and then let them go.
You know what is odd about all of this? It’s days and moments like this that make me wonder if my social deficits are all actually weaknesses. I remember suddenly feeling alone today, for absolutely no reason at all, but because I have taught myself to be so self aware of my own thoughts (even though I haven’t the slightest clue how to fix them or if I can) I told myself “What good is it going to do to feel sad right now? Accept the sad thought and move on” And I did.
However, tonight I am having a hard time not feeling sad. I don’t know why. I miss a lot of people right now and I’ve recently tried to befriend someone and I completely ruined my chance by trying so incredibly hard to be someone else- someone normal. But I’m not normal.
I’m just me. I wish I could see that in the moment. That’s where I fail the most often- in the moment. It’s a processing issue. I got upset and angry and I pushed them away. Do you know who I was really upset and disappointed in? Me. But you know what… I know I’m overtired and I’m not feeling so great (my stomach is making some of the oddest sounds too ha) and I’m being ridiculous.
Tomorrow is a new day. For now, I’m going to sit here with my “magic tissues”(Kleenex CoolTouch Tissues are amazing by the way) and just try to get some rest.
Tomorrow I want to actually write some poetry. Maybe less anxious, maybe not. But something more than the fluffy nonsense you are reading right now. 🙂
Lights outs. Seinfeld on. Goodnight World.