I have written a lot about touch recently and how important it is to me. I’ve talked about letting go. I’ve identified so many things to let go of. I’ve talked about how hard it is for me to let go and I’ve cried countless hours wondering why this has become so incredibly confusing and why I keep going in circles even though I seem to have figured things out.
I’ve had moments of enlightenment and then these moments of utter darkness where I’m afraid I’m not getting anywhere. Then, I finally found the biggest piece of this crazy puzzle that gives me a brand new perspective on all of this. This time, it ties all of these little pieces together.
Obviously, I will always have Aspergers. That won’t ever change. But there is something here that I can change. I have always had this phobia of being alone- but not just of being alone but of abandonment. I touched on this in my “Me & Amadeus” poem.
Aside from my sensory issues and social struggles, I keep seeking out “Protectors” (These people are described in my “Can I Hug You?” and “Ready or Not” blog posts) because I keep placing my fear of abandoment and my desire for affection from my childhood on people who seem strong. This only sort of made sense to me in the beginning. I get it- they’re strong right? Who wouldn’t want to lean on them? I’ve finally figured this out too.
I seem to act this way to people who I feel clearly do not care but I want them to, and I push for this emotional response because I can’t understand why they didn’t seem to care. Why? This is because I wanted my mother to raise me telling in a way that I could understand that I am worthy of being loved. I didn’t get this from her and my father wasn’t even around. When I did finally meet him and I pushed for that emotional response, he couldn’t offer that either. In fact, he pushed me away and completely shut me out.
All of my life I have hoped that this would change. I thought if they could really love me, then that would mean I am worthy of love. So every time I meet someone who pushes me away or makes me feel not worthy it triggers that same response and I keep pushing and pushing – for them to tell me in a way that I can understand that I am worthy.
If this whole series on letting go was a movie, this would be the moment that where the lights fade out and the narrator does a recap or when the good guy finally wins. Except instead of this being the end of the story, its really just the beginning. Here is why:
Despite my mother and father’s inability to love me (the way I needed them to), despite how I was treated by others growing up, and even despite my own failures and the fact that its taken me almost twenty seven years to finally get this – I am worthy of love. But not because I am this amazing person or a hero or something- but because God says that I am worthy.
During this time of reflection, a very specific memory came to mind. It was a Mother Daughter event and my mom didn’t show up because she had to work. I was there to sing Phil Collin’s “You’ll Be In My Heart” with two other people. This other mom turned to me and said “It’s okay. I’ll be your mom tonight”. That night was so important and the lyrics to that song are so important because no matter what my parents think- God loves me.
Now, this doesn’t fix my weird quirks. I may still have that weird reaction to those same people at times. This is going to take a lot of practice. I still feel like that little kid inside of me is still going to want to take over and I’m going to want that reassurance of a hug when I’m scared.
So, like I said, this is going to take a lot of practice and a lot of acceptance on my part. A very wise friend recently told me that true acceptance means that I have to accept people for who they really are and not who I wanted them to be or who I wish they were. I have to forgive my parents now, forgive myself, and move on.
Since touch is the way that I feel loved, I have to accept that I will not always feel loved in the way that I want them to. I have to accept that there are a lot of people who do not show it this way and there will be people in my life that won’t love me at all. But neither of these things changes the fact that I am worthy of love and the best part of all:
I am loved.