I am almost always the first to apologize when things go wrong.
I don’t like holding grudges and I have a hard time understanding when someone holds one against me. I know that not everyone is the same, but I struggle understanding when someone ends a friendship or relationship because I am almost always willing to try to fix it.
But the truth is, sometimes things just don’t work. Sometimes things don’t needs to be fixed, they just need to left alone and walked away from. This is one of my biggest struggles in life- I don’t want to walk away. It makes me feel like I’m just giving up.
I’m trying to come to terms with the wisdom of knowing when it is best to walk away or keep trying and that even if I’ve put a lot of hard work into a friendship or relationship, it doesn’t mean that I need to keep trying.
Sometimes I forget that if I am giving 120% that it probably means that the other person wasn’t as interested in being my friend – that means swallowing my pride and accepting that it isn’t the end of the world. It doesn’t mean I will never make friends. It just means I need to dust my knees off and try again – but not with the same person. Maybe not even someone new – maybe no one for a little bit.
I’m still trying to grasp the concept that part of true acceptance means accepting that if I don’t want people to change who they are for me, I should be setting an example by accepting them for who they really are. It means REALLY understanding that if they would need to change to be a good friend- then that isn’t fair at all to them.
Part of me doesn’t like this but most of me knows its just the plain truth. Part of me wants to be the victim when someone chooses not to be my friend anymore but deep down I know that if someone else wants to not be friends then if I consider my friend at all- the most I can do is give them space and silence if that’s what they ask for.
This “go fix it” attitude is more selfish than I care to think about. I think what it boils down to is I’m too afraid to think someone else has decided I am not worthy of being their friend. I don’t like that. It hurts- more than words can even express because I know how much energy I put into relationships.
But I also know that I don’t need people being my friend because they feel bad because of my disability. After all, that’s not a friendship. That’s pity.
I don’t want to get lost in silence. That can lead to me over thinking even more than I already do but I think I need to get more comfortable with being alone with myself haha. That sounds ridiculous because I don’t know if I like my own company at the moment.
Sometimes its moments like this that make me reevaluate how much energy I put into low priority things when I should probably be refocusing some of that energy on more important things.
Here’s to doing my best, trying to grow, and learning the strength of humility when letting things go.