Tonight, I have so little energy it’s unreal. It is amazing how exhausted I can be after a simple day at work.
I know life isn’t easy for anyone and I don’t want to complain because I have so much that I am so grateful for. I am grateful that I am able to work full time..but stress has such a physical affect on me. My face is currently on fire but I have chills. This happens when I am extremely stressed out. I’ve even had fevers from stress (once it went as high as 103)
I just wish that more people understood the effort I put into trying to be “normal” to get through the day. I try not to make it obvious that the fluorescent lights, tiny noises, big noises, and social interactions are felt with such an intensity for me. Some days, it doesn’t matter how hard I try, I fail to hide this.
What happens when I am overwhelmed? I generally start perseverating about everything in the room that is bothering me, then about everything I don’t understand in my entire life and the intensity builds and builds until I feel like I’m going to scream and then I cry. I cry and cry and slowly feel the sense of release and then once this intense feeling passes I feel extremely calm and completely exhausted and feverish.
This cycle happens multiple times a week- sometimes every day if its a really bad week. My best bet is to drink a giant glass of ice water (out my Nalgene bottle and think of the most comforting things I can even imagine.. It’s like mixing sensory issues and panic attacks.
Is it ironic or what that I actually enjoyed going to Times Square? The lights, the noise, and all the people? But then again it wasn’t for long. I think NYC can safely be added to my list of special interests. Its practically all I’ve wanted to talk about since I got back. I think NYC is good in small doses for me.
Anyways, my point is – sometimes I am grateful for the intense edge that Aspergers gives me when I am writing but beyond my journal – I wish I could turn the intensity level down a few notches.
I want to know what it feels like to relax and just laugh and have fun. What does that feel like? Even when I am in my “cozies” (cotton pajamas usually) and reading in a quiet cool temperature room – I can feel it lingering. What are your relaxation coping skills?
Regardless, tomorrow is a new day with a set of its own challenges and victories and I need to get some sleep & Seinfeld in my system. I need my “Aspie Armor” for whatever lies ahead.