My Conundrum

Sometimes I feel like I learn a concept but cannot actually understand it and this leads to me going in circles and unable to let go of whatever it is because I know it’s important. It is so odd at times how normal I must seem to others but how frustrated and overwhelmed I feel on the inside.

Some have said that I seem so self aware. I would agree that I am very self aware on many levels but it doesn’t mean I understand why I don’t understand many things or why I continue to do some things that I do.

I feel stuck inside my thoughts at times. I am forever analyzing patterns of behavior and well just about… everything. I feel drawn to things that clearly have strong patterns.

What is so frustrating to me is this – to be able to analyze and focus so intently on one simple social concept and feel like I have solved the puzzle only to realize that even when all of the pieces fit, I often do not understand the full picture that all of those pieces create.

I feel like I can even write it out for people to read and think I understand a concept but cannot seem to put it into practice in a way that is natural or I find I was wrong all along.

And so it begins… all over again.

About Gretchen McIntire (formerly Leary)

I am 34 years old, I live in the Raleigh area, and I am writing from the perspective of an individual with Asperger's Syndrome.
This entry was posted in ASD, Aspergers, Autism and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to My Conundrum

  1. A Quiet Week says:

    I hear you. I process information constantly and then loose the thread. These days I’m frustrated about understanding my emotional state. I seem to have no nuances–I’m really anxious or really bored or really happy. I work hard to understand what I am feeling and what to do about it. There is no global understanding or big picture;it is just a collection of moments. My Dad called it “living in a bubble of now.” I’ll be thinking of this today. Thank you for sharing.


  2. brian miller says:

    its def frustrating…and i have felt it on a more limited basis, and imagine from your perspective it is all the more challenging…does the writing it our help you in the long run if not in the now?

  3. we each have different crosses to bear… but you’re tough enough to get through these challenges and more! you teach me!

  4. Gretchen, there is a world of difference between writing and sending the paper into the wind of cyberspace, and confronting people face to face. Aspies are intimidated by this, often. I used to wonder why RIley and I had our best conversations with me driving on long trips. Now I understand. Sometimes heart-to heart doesn’t happen best eye-to-eye. And I know you fret, but really, this gift you have is precious, moreso than the “gift of gab” I possess… Love, Amy

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