I feel that about 99% of the time, I react versus respond to stimuli. The lights, the noise, the people, you name it.
I find it frustrating at times that I overwhelm other people but I can also see why. So many things that do not seem overwhelming for the general public – I find incredibly anxiety provoking.
So when I am socializing, I find myself having trouble listening almost solely because I can barely handle being in my environment and the only way I can process it without wanting to scream (although I never do, it would be painful and inappropriate) is to process it verbally.
There are times that I have to process things for months or sadly years before I finally get it. By this time, any time it’s brought up, I’m being annoying to people. But I can see why that would be that way.
People tell me I have this “gift” because even though I have Aspergers I can at times see both sides. This is a blessing and a curse. I have learned some of the cues and the second I see someone seem uninterested, all I hear is “you failed…again. You’d better hurry before I walk away”
I tend to think through social situations and my past all the time trying to learn from them to avoid making the same mistakes. But it seems that by doing this I am already making the same mistakes.
So it may be a gift that I have insight into the neurotypical world that I have gained over the last couple of decades but it doesn’t actually mean that my existence is any easier. If anything, knowing how overwhelming I can be is harmful at times. It makes me more anxious and…what happens when I am even more anxious?
I ramble on and on to fill the dead air trying to fix whatever it is I feel like I’ve failed at. Just like I’m doing right now.
But do you know why?
Good, because I don’t.