Tonight I am struggling.
It’s difficult to put into words but I think the hardest part having Aspergers, for me, is that hopeless feeling that pops up at times when people talk about their best friends and their close relationships. Sometimes I let it roll off my shoulders, and then tonight it just sort of hit like a ton bricks.
I want that closeness with friends that people describe but as most people say “it just happens naturally”.Well, not for me and I imagine that probably goes for most people with Aspergers. It’s not exactly “natural”.
I have to work very very very hard to fit in or make friends. It was actually worse when I was less self aware and wasn’t trying. It’s basically a bunch of learned behaviors that I try to do as smoothly as possible.
I can do empathy. I think I always have been able to do that part. My issue is actually the opposite most times. I feel so much pain when I see someone in pain that I react too intensely. It seems out of place to them.
But I am so tired of hearing people say that I’m just being stubborn or I’m simply trying too hard. They have no idea how my brain works.
Now things have gotten easier in some respects but it still blows me away when people say I don’t seem like someone with Aspergers and yet don’t see why I struggle in group settings, with sensory issues, making or retaining friends, why I miss social cues often and get way too excited about ordinary things and need extra time calming down. Seems like a no brainer to me.
It’s a diagnosis, not an excuse. But the diagnosis doesn’t fix it. It doesn’t help me make friends. That’s not the kind of friend I want. But then again…No one said life was going to be easy.
I have many blessings in my life that I should be focused on right now. I know that I’m sulking…well kind of. More like venting. I just need sleep and to wake up with a better attitude.Time to shut this music off and listen to my favorite happy song before bed.
Signing off. Tomorrow is a new day.