“I’m through accepting limits
Cuz someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try I’ll never know
Too long I’ve been afraid of
Losing love, I guess I’ve lost
Well if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost”
~ Defying Gravity from WiCKED
So today was my first day back at work from my medical leave and it was truly a day I will not forget and for those of you who remember my blog post called “Can I Hug You?“, I think you might find my days findings interesting. As discussed in the earlier post I have always been one to seek out hugs from others. It’s extremely comforting for sensory issues and just makes my day besides.
Well, usually I am pretty picky about who I want hugs from. In fact, a lot of the time they tend to be people who are not the type that would randomly hug an acquaintance or friend. My brain seems to be wired backwards.
But I have been learning to watch my own behavior much more closely and be more aware of the real reason for reaching out to someone and really thinking of what type of person can or would want to meet that need which is usually not the same person I generally initially want to talk to or spend time with at first.
I tend to have those powerful urges to seek out a hug or to talk when I feel overwhelmed or overstimulated. In fact, it’s so powerful that I tend to not realize what I’m doing until I’ve potentially embarrassed myself for an emotional response from the wrong person.
Well today, I learned a wonderful lesson. I walked in nervous and scared that I would suddenly become sick again and dizzy and have to leave but as I approached my desk I was greeted by countless smiles, waves, and a whole bunch of hugs.
What caught my attention and made me really stop to think was when they asked “Can I hug you?” (Which we have to do anyway, company policy) and something really hit home. It is true that I have done a better job of stopping myself from reaching out to the wrong people more recently, but I do still make plenty of mistakes as I’m learning and sometimes I just misunderstand myself at times which sounds odd but true.
But I am the kind of person who jumps to help someone in need if I can – so why do I seemingly punish myself by subconsciously deny myself having my needs met?
Well I read a very interesting article about the reason why people seek out emotionally unavailable people and it generally has to do with trying to heal a wound from our past by finding someone just like the one who hurt us with the thought that they will in turn help us without realizing that it’s really just asking to get hurt again.
I had a day filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude. Those hugs were actually (for the most part) from people who don’t even often interact with me and for the first time, instead of pushing them away and seeking out the wrong people- I embraced the moment. (Pun intended)
Because why should care and concern have to come from people who hurt me? It shouldn’t. It doesn’t have to hurt! It doesn’t have to be intense and dramatic. It can genuinely be just comfort.
I think from now on I’m going to be consistently making a find a concerted effort stop taking my real friends for granted in ways I didn’t even realize I was – and just stop expecting everyone to embrace the real me. That’s my job- to accept who I am, Aspergers and all, to stop judging myself quite so harshly and to stop focusing on failed friendships and embrace the ones who do care with no strings attached.
What an awesome day.