When I imagine what it would be like to be “neurotypical”, I imagine that I would meet people and we would make this connection and mutually seek each other out in a true friendship.
Although, I do consider myself blessed to have friends in my life, I don’t often see them, partially due to my own routines and anxiety. I also often feel like it is not a true friendship. It is almost more like a fondness due to sympathy because of my Aspergers or just someone I’ve known for a long time and somehow sort of got stuck together.
I do not understand how scientists can say that people with ASD do not have empathy, because I feel like it is the opposite, maybe I am just seeing it wrong. I try so hard to see others perspectives by asking them and when I see someone cry, I often cry too. Seeing someone in pain causes this intense sense of pain within me too. But I think this too is actually a problem.
Because when I find people that I want to be friends with, it is often not mutual. It has always been this way and I have always been told “Just let it go” or “Not everyone is going to like you” but do they know what it feels like when it often seems that is the majority of people I seek friendship in?
I am extremely blessed to have an amazing wife who understands me in a way I am not sure anyone else ever could. But I often think of how many times I have tried so very hard build a friendship with someone only to find out they simply weren’t interested and were just trying to be nice.
I think people need to not use the word friend as lightly as they do. When someone calls me their friend and then walks away, I always blame myself.
So here I am in 2014 – new year same struggles and wondering how do I know if the other person is interested in being friends? I am tired of exhausting myself. I am tired of going in circles.
How does a typical person know if the other person wants to be friends when I don’t get that natural chemistry feeling like neurotypicals? Help?