Perseverance Versus Perseveration #Autism

I have learned so much in the past year. For so long I have held onto so many painful memories. I tend to do that. But one thing I have come to see recently is that I hold onto fear the most instead of seeing it for what it is and choosing to disengage from my heavy burdensome fears.

My fears have held me back so much in so many ways. Last week I was sitting on my couch thinking about the things I fear so much and made a decision to write myself a letter.

As I wrote I started processing my fears in a totally different light. I started building convictions to move past them the more that I wrote. As I finished the letter to myself, I recalled that famous line, from the movie “Labyrinth (1986)” when the character Sarah finally recalls the missing line she’d been looking for.

I started reflecting on that movie and thinking of the parallels I could draw to my state of mind. I suddenly saw my fear as a labyrinth and that David Bowie’s character Jareth represents fear and confusion and that I often allow my mind to go in these vicious cycles that lead to nowhere but more pain and fear.

When I thought of it that way I smiled and wrote down that quote at the end. I got up and went into the bathroom, lit the letter on fire and dropped it into the toilet, and knelt down and started praying. I prayed for peace, for forgiveness for doubting that God is the one who should be in control, and for the courage to let it go.

I sit here typing this out as I listen to “Let It Go” (Disney’s Frozen/Idina Menzel) and I’m smiling because even though I know that fear will always be there I now understand that it has no power over me. Not unless I give it power. Enough is enough.

I can in fact choose to not be afraid. I can decide to accept that I am not in control but I am in the hands of powers that are older,wiser, and far more powerful than my own.

It’s my choice and I am making a different choice now. ASD may make my labyrinths seem inevitable, I fixate on many things, but fear doesn’t have to be one of them. I can stop, pray, and ask for God to help me move on.

So even though the fears come to mind many times a day (at times 100+ times a day), I have been telling myself this instead “I am choosing not to be afraid. My faith is stronger than my greatest fear. God is in control” and you know…

It’s working.

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