I have done a lot of learning and growing recently.
So much that I haven’t had time or the energy to write never mind try to find the words to share them here. Some are far too personal to share. But one thing I do want to share is that I have learned is that if I want people to respect me, I need to respect myself first.
ASD does not disqualify me as a human who deserves love and friendship. It’s not an excuse for anything either though. It simply is what it is. It makes relationships harder. It makes life harder. But adversity has an odd silver lining when you choose to learn and grow once you have faced it.
It seems that somewhere down the road in my past I learned this behavior called “groveling”. It’s not an attractive quality to people who do not take advantage of others.
I somehow managed to make my brain think that selfish pride and self respect were one and the same. I feel discouraged to figure this out at my age because I feel like I have missed out on opportunities for years because of this very mixup.
I am breaking that cycle. I cannot blame the other person for pushing away if my own response to normal behavior is to grovel just because I’m afraid they will disappear. I’m seeing that that behavior is so destructive.
It doesn’t matter how beautiful, amazing, inspiring, wise, strong, likable, lovable a person may seem or how badly I/you may want to be their friend…if they are really your friend…there is no need to beg for them to stick around.
Don’t get me wrong…valid apologies and humility are really important but they have their place. What I’m talking about is very different. I’m talking about someone not accepting me for who I am and in turn me pleading with them to accept me.
It’s a waste of time for both parties. Especially me. It seems to push real friends away too. This is something new that I am learning and it has inspired a deep reflection on how I view myself and how much self worth I have and what I’m projecting to others.
I think this is what people mean when they say that if I don’t learn to love myself, no one else will.
PS- Sorry for the hiatus all. I am back.