Always Evolving

I’ve always kept things pretty raw on here. Tonight is no exception. I have my reasons for sharing some of what I do. 

I suppose I truly am a student of life. I had had to adapt so many times in so many ways. I’ve learned lessons the hard way several times. 

I’m constantly striving to be the best version of myself and sometimes I think I get a little lost and I’ve taken a few wrong turns in my thirty years. But those wrong turns have led to amazing life lessons that I will be forever grateful for. 

For those who have followed this blog since early 2012 began, so much as changed. Two children’s books, divorce, illness, loss, and learning that I am *not* in fact a lesbian (that was perhaps the greatest lesson of all because it means I’m learning who I am instead of fighting who I am) although I will always be supportive of the GLBTQ+ community. In fact, I’ve met someone very special to me and I hope it continues to grow. 🙂 (specifics on romantic relationships aren’t something I dive into here out of respect for them)

I am a survivor in many ways. Many of us are. I think that my experience in sorrow has made me a better poet and a more loyal friend to others in this lifetime. 

My focus in life now is on gratitude. This past May I went through a breast cancer scare that really helped me put things into priority. The day of the biopsy, while the really sweet nurse was stroking my hair and distracting me from the large core biopsy needle I really made the decision to stay focused on gratitude. Thankfully it was a fibroadenoma that the mammogram and ultrasound had discoveted and not cancer. 

I quit smoking cigarettes on February 21, 2016 after being a smoker for over a decade. I finally learned how to let go of it. It had  become what I can my own personal “Hotel California”. (Amazing song which helped me quit) I am proud to say that I haven’t cheated once yet.

They say that we need to learn how to love ourselves a lot these days. It took me thirty years to figure out what that meant. You see, I grew up thinking that love was this unattainable thing that you always keep fighting for and searching for. It lead me to people who could offer me exactly that – unattainable love. Lightbulb! 🙂 

When I began to see myself as worthy of love, I began to see that maybe love wasn’t supposed to be so much work. I began to really re-evaluate my relationships and that’s a good thing to do. 

Despite the many challenges that I have faced this year and last year, I find myself smiling tonight and reflecting on how blessed I feel. Someone recently asked me what has kept me going through these challenges. My answer was “My faith has been my rock.” It’s true. God has been there through it hall. Perhaps he facepalned at me a few times. Haha. But I wasn’t alone and so knew it. 

I am so thankful to have finally been awarded SSDI. Having High Funcioningr Autism/Autism Spectrum Disorder and Dysautonomia can be a big challenge! I’ve waited for years for that and I am so thankful as it is so much needed. I know I have skill sets but they don’t equal a job as I have unfortunately discovered repeatedly. So I finally have that stability.

We really don’t need much in this lifetime. Life is really overly complicated by selfishness. We need hope, faith, and love and some days that’s more than enough. 

Stay strong my friends and fellow bloggers. More good news to come!

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