Always Evolving

I’ve always kept things pretty raw on here. Tonight is no exception. I have my reasons for sharing some of what I do. 

I suppose I truly am a student of life. I had had to adapt so many times in so many ways. I’ve learned lessons the hard way several times. 

I’m constantly striving to be the best version of myself and sometimes I think I get a little lost and I’ve taken a few wrong turns in my thirty years. But those wrong turns have led to amazing life lessons that I will be forever grateful for. 

For those who have followed this blog since early 2012 began, so much as changed. Two children’s books, divorce, illness, loss, and learning that I am *not* in fact a lesbian (that was perhaps the greatest lesson of all because it means I’m learning who I am instead of fighting who I am) although I will always be supportive of the GLBTQ+ community. In fact, I’ve met someone very special to me and I hope it continues to grow. 🙂 (specifics on romantic relationships aren’t something I dive into here out of respect for them)

I am a survivor in many ways. Many of us are. I think that my experience in sorrow has made me a better poet and a more loyal friend to others in this lifetime. 

My focus in life now is on gratitude. This past May I went through a breast cancer scare that really helped me put things into priority. The day of the biopsy, while the really sweet nurse was stroking my hair and distracting me from the large core biopsy needle I really made the decision to stay focused on gratitude. Thankfully it was a fibroadenoma that the mammogram and ultrasound had discoveted and not cancer. 

I quit smoking cigarettes on February 21, 2016 after being a smoker for over a decade. I finally learned how to let go of it. It had  become what I can my own personal “Hotel California”. (Amazing song which helped me quit) I am proud to say that I haven’t cheated once yet.

They say that we need to learn how to love ourselves a lot these days. It took me thirty years to figure out what that meant. You see, I grew up thinking that love was this unattainable thing that you always keep fighting for and searching for. It lead me to people who could offer me exactly that – unattainable love. Lightbulb! 🙂 

When I began to see myself as worthy of love, I began to see that maybe love wasn’t supposed to be so much work. I began to really re-evaluate my relationships and that’s a good thing to do. 

Despite the many challenges that I have faced this year and last year, I find myself smiling tonight and reflecting on how blessed I feel. Someone recently asked me what has kept me going through these challenges. My answer was “My faith has been my rock.” It’s true. God has been there through it hall. Perhaps he facepalned at me a few times. Haha. But I wasn’t alone and so knew it. 

I am so thankful to have finally been awarded SSDI. Having High Funcioningr Autism/Autism Spectrum Disorder and Dysautonomia can be a big challenge! I’ve waited for years for that and I am so thankful as it is so much needed. I know I have skill sets but they don’t equal a job as I have unfortunately discovered repeatedly. So I finally have that stability.

We really don’t need much in this lifetime. Life is really overly complicated by selfishness. We need hope, faith, and love and some days that’s more than enough. 

Stay strong my friends and fellow bloggers. More good news to come!

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Fairy Tale #Poetry

My half frozen pale fingers wrapping around a warm familiar mug,

I let your words crackle and hiss warming my soul a bit much like a long awaited hug-

“Falling in love” you had said with that sort of twinkle of laughter amidst the seriousness of all of this,

These words feeling much like the heavy steady stream of steam rising –

and I lift the mug and my eyes at the same time,

Breathing in the ever intoxicating aromas of baked apples and spice,

While I bend and flex my almost frozen toes on these old wooden back steps tonight-

and I feel no urge to analyze the “What ifs” or “whys”,

but rather to sit quite still in this moment that feels like a page from a fairy tale from much older days- 

As I simply just stare up at the sky glittering with stars and watch my breath freeze –

and just be.

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Old Soul #Poetry

You’ve got that old soul

look in your eyes

As I move over-

lean in closer-

and lay my head 

on your shoulder

You’re reading Psalms 23 

to me so very softly

in the pale morning light-

my heart basking in peace

and then we didn’t do anything-

which felt like everything…

As we let the silence speak.

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Firelight #Poetry

Your verse dances like a melody played by firelight 

and warms my hearth inside,

Brilliant like the million bits of stardust in your eyes.

after a decade of endless dreams tonight.

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How Shallow? #Autism #Friendships

One thing people have consistently said about my writing here has been that I am pretty raw. I don’t see much value in shallow interactions. My appreciation for emotional depth is a big part of how friendships work with me. Shallow folks are kind of like shiny elusive fish at times. We are drawn to how unattainable they seem to be at times. But the moment the fish stops swimming, we notice that maybe our perception of their shiny scales was really all wrong. Perhaps it was really just the sun shining off their backs as they swam in the shallow water. 

People have to swim very deeply to fully appreciate me and what I can offer. I won’t apologize for that anymore. I used to. I used to do that often and I’m catching myself and trying to stop myself now because I’m realizing that while my intensity scares some folks off,  that doesn’t mean I need to be someone else, it means they weren’t meant to be in my world.

The world around me is intense everyday. Every single emotion feels intense. The happier the emotion, the more intense it is because of how dark the world can be for me at times. I have to feel very emotionally secure in a friendship before I drop my walls. But what those walls guard might surprise you. I’m known for my ability to be vulnerable even with the public- so what am I guarding with those walls? It isn’t my story. It’s my laughter and my silly side. It’s pure joy that I guard. That’s like gold in a world like this.  

I want to know that when my world falls apart because of a meltdown that they are going to stay right there and that they believe in me enough to know that the storm will pass and we will laugh and be silly again. 

Last night one of my closest friends was listening to me share some really intense things from my past which is often my way of saying “Can I trust you not to abandon me right now?” and she seems to know that what I need during meltdowns is gentle reassurance and then redirection. I found myself laughing again not that much later as she sent me silly pictures and lovingly reassured me that she was there and that she loved me. I felt so much closer to her after that. 

The biggest drawback is a very big one though. The hard thing about being so strongly drawn to those who know what pain is like is that we can all sort of get stuck in our own world of pain. I do it and I cringe at how I’ve definitely not been there for friends or even family when I should have been. I’ve also found myself trying to save people from themselves. I’ve wound up in some seriously toxic entanglements trying to be there for folks who definitely have the emotional depth that I am so drawn to but have chosen to let their pain make their hearts cold as ice. I’m learning that there is a distinct difference between someone who “knows pain” and someone who loves to inflict it because they are bitter. 

I want friendships with people who know what pain is but will call me higher when the tide comes rolling in. I want friendships where we can bypass the small talk when something is wrong with either of us. I want friendships and relationships with people who can appreciate that I avoid shallow interactions because life is too short for anything meaningless. Those are the people who make me laugh so hard my face hurts late at night. Those are the people I trust my joy and laughter with.  

I have experienced so much loss in my lifetime and one thing I have learned from that loss is to love harder not less. When Devin passed away I learned to never take a single day for granted. Knowing I missed his last phone call is something I have to live with forever. But a wise old friend once told me that when I feel afraid to try to find someone beautiful about it. Fear is ugly. Love is beautiful and so I try to embrace love instead and offer it to those I treasure most. 

I love to laugh. It’s like an amazing gift that sets your soul free. It’s so soothing and comforting. But just like everything else in my world, being able to be silly and just laugh with me also means you’ve waded past those shallows to get to me first. 

I’m not ever going to be that shiny elusive fish sparkling like diamonds in the shallows. I’m the girl who wears her scars and her heart on her sleeve. I’m not someone who is hard to catch or even hard to find. I don’t play games. I try to be kind to everyone but I have my small circle too and the select few that I choose to actually invest my time in know that it’s never a question of what time of day it is (2AM or 2PM) or how far I need to drive- I’ll be there. But they also know that they won’t find me in shallow waters. 

They’ll find me in the deepest places sometimes. I tend to stay down there investigating, learning, and trying to gently show others who are afraid and hiding that if we keep our focus on the sunlight sparkling above – everything is actually going to be okay. And those who don’t make that effort to meet me in the deep can expect a friendly wave from me when I come up for a chance to breathe. 

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Aquiver – #Poetry

You are like that first breath in

as the frost of Autumn begins

Your voice sends me aquiver,

It plays on sleeping heart strings-

My existence feels raw in your company,

like our memories were just

stepping stones

and you are forever challenging me to know how to simply be

and there is no need for pretense

There is something rather exhilarating 

about how I always feel

my very being unraveling 

and so very overly exposed

whenever your soul looks at me.

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Maiden Voyage #poetry

Your eyes bethought me

of the highest seas-

An ever wild Prussian Blue,

And your weathered hands

ran through sandy hair

as we reluctantly withdrew.

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