Heartbeat #Poetry

My heartbeat looks

like firelight

Fierce and hot

Burning brightly

to the tempo

of a Summer’s night.

In response to a prompt by dVersePoets

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Smoking Gun #Poetry

For about the millionth time,

I prayed again for a sign-

and found your street. (Literally)

However, it guided not you but me

and as a part of a journey,

Yet still- I was walking blindly.

The time on your dash was

the smoking gun,

A number that is emblazed in my faith-

under an already blazing sun.

That wise old laugh of yours

cracked the day’s seams-

Your cigarette smoke swirling 

in the tempered heat,

Hanging heavy like a banner –

that reads “Welcome home. You’re free.”

These rusted shackles cracked //

as my vision cleared quickly

in a spark-lit epiphany

I realized I had chained myself

to a beautiful memory-

And so the longest chapter 

has a rather ironic ending

& I guess you could say that 

it gracefully finished

with a musical flourish 

that in no way diminished

my years of naively wondering

but instead offered an answer

that my heart was begging.

& Just like that voice 

from the Wild wild West, (she sang it well)

But we sang it best,

We sang it all- with no more whys-

As you covered the clock to say goodbye. 

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Her – A Poem

Beneath the grit/ you saw it,

but you didn’t feel the need to polish.

You handed me a dirty rag and grunted like you always did in moments like this.

You asked me what I saw-

I saw something rather broken,

I saw soot and scratches-

No words spoken-

Your response was that raise of one brow-

So I leaned in closer now

and frustrated I wiped at darkness

as though I might a sword at war with the night.

I scrubbed and scrubbed

The cool night air blew back my damp hair

As a pixelated image like the coming dawn was drawn before me

I began to see more clearly-

It – was moving now.

My own breathing beating like drums against tired ribs

I wiped this way and that way

Sweat now dripping from my face

pooling with tears of frustration.

I saw colors like prisms surfacing

and I could see the sun.

I could see emeralds glinting-

Moving // blinking,

I used my elbow against the mirror now,

Slowly crouching closer,

and I could see what you saw all along,

I had finally found her.

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Always Evolving

I’ve always kept things pretty raw on here. Tonight is no exception. I have my reasons for sharing some of what I do. 

I suppose I truly am a student of life. I had had to adapt so many times in so many ways. I’ve learned lessons the hard way several times. 

I’m constantly striving to be the best version of myself and sometimes I think I get a little lost and I’ve taken a few wrong turns in my thirty years. But those wrong turns have led to amazing life lessons that I will be forever grateful for. 

For those who have followed this blog since early 2012 began, so much as changed. Two children’s books, divorce, illness, loss, and learning that I am *not* in fact a lesbian (that was perhaps the greatest lesson of all because it means I’m learning who I am instead of fighting who I am) although I will always be supportive of the GLBTQ+ community. In fact, I’ve met someone very special to me and I hope it continues to grow. 🙂 (specifics on romantic relationships aren’t something I dive into here out of respect for them)

I am a survivor in many ways. Many of us are. I think that my experience in sorrow has made me a better poet and a more loyal friend to others in this lifetime. 

My focus in life now is on gratitude. This past May I went through a breast cancer scare that really helped me put things into priority. The day of the biopsy, while the really sweet nurse was stroking my hair and distracting me from the large core biopsy needle I really made the decision to stay focused on gratitude. Thankfully it was a fibroadenoma that the mammogram and ultrasound had discoveted and not cancer. 

I quit smoking cigarettes on February 21, 2016 after being a smoker for over a decade. I finally learned how to let go of it. It had  become what I can my own personal “Hotel California”. (Amazing song which helped me quit) I am proud to say that I haven’t cheated once yet.

They say that we need to learn how to love ourselves a lot these days. It took me thirty years to figure out what that meant. You see, I grew up thinking that love was this unattainable thing that you always keep fighting for and searching for. It lead me to people who could offer me exactly that – unattainable love. Lightbulb! 🙂 

When I began to see myself as worthy of love, I began to see that maybe love wasn’t supposed to be so much work. I began to really re-evaluate my relationships and that’s a good thing to do. 

Despite the many challenges that I have faced this year and last year, I find myself smiling tonight and reflecting on how blessed I feel. Someone recently asked me what has kept me going through these challenges. My answer was “My faith has been my rock.” It’s true. God has been there through it hall. Perhaps he facepalned at me a few times. Haha. But I wasn’t alone and so knew it. 

I am so thankful to have finally been awarded SSDI. Having High Funcioningr Autism/Autism Spectrum Disorder and Dysautonomia can be a big challenge! I’ve waited for years for that and I am so thankful as it is so much needed. I know I have skill sets but they don’t equal a job as I have unfortunately discovered repeatedly. So I finally have that stability.

We really don’t need much in this lifetime. Life is really overly complicated by selfishness. We need hope, faith, and love and some days that’s more than enough. 

Stay strong my friends and fellow bloggers. More good news to come!

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Fairy Tale #Poetry

My half frozen pale fingers wrapping around a warm familiar mug,

I let your words crackle and hiss warming my soul a bit much like a long awaited hug-

“Falling in love” you had said with that sort of twinkle of laughter amidst the seriousness of all of this,

These words feeling much like the heavy steady stream of steam rising –

and I lift the mug and my eyes at the same time,

Breathing in the ever intoxicating aromas of baked apples and spice,

While I bend and flex my almost frozen toes on these old wooden back steps tonight-

and I feel no urge to analyze the “What ifs” or “whys”,

but rather to sit quite still in this moment that feels like a page from a fairy tale from much older days- 

As I simply just stare up at the sky glittering with stars and watch my breath freeze –

and just be.

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Old Soul #Poetry

You’ve got that old soul

look in your eyes

As I move over-

lean in closer-

and lay my head 

on your shoulder

You’re reading Psalms 23 

to me so very softly

in the pale morning light-

my heart basking in peace

and then we didn’t do anything-

which felt like everything…

As we let the silence speak.

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Firelight #Poetry

Your verse dances like a melody played by firelight 

and warms my hearth inside,

Brilliant like the million bits of stardust in your eyes.

after a decade of endless dreams tonight.

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